Building an Internal World: Tips for Dissociative Systems

WHAT IS AN INTERNAL WORLD?

The "internal world" is a term used to describe the mental landscape where alters of a dissociative system live, communicate, or simply exist. While some survivors' internal spaces came to be organically as children - and remain fixed until today - others only discovered their utilitarian or emotionally rich value as adults trying to heal. This impressively beautiful achievement of the human mind isn't given nearly enough recognition or support, though. So, whether you’re brand new to this work, are looking to do some ‘remodeling,’ or realize you missed some vital steps along the way, there are countless ways to cultivate an internal world that's ideal for you! ALL of you!

While no system requires an internal world, and conditions like aphantasia may pose added barriers, there can be real advantages to having a space inside the mind to interact and collaborate with one another. It can also be one of the most exciting, creative, and FUN aspects of having a dissociative system! Hopefully, this guide will tackle some of your questions, provide some visual inspiration, and stir any internal chatter you've been lacking.

Feel free to bookmark or share this resource with others who may benefit, including mental health professionals. Internal spaces are given shockingly little attention or discussion clinically, even amongst trauma specialists. Given how integral they can be for the daily function, emotional bonding, and overall safety of a dissociative system, survivors deserve everything we have to offer.

Happy building!

Note: If you’d like some visual inspiration and a more interactive way of learning,
use the slideshow below. If you prefer text only, scroll to the list below.

1. If this is a brand new journey, it’s okay to start very, very small.

   A single meeting room. A roundtable. A classroom, campsite, or simple home. You can branch out or expand upon these ideas later, but you also never have to if they’re working for you.
   
   
   

2. Consult as many parts as possible! If you can’t reach everyone, try asking others to get their feedback for you.

   Creating an internal world should prioritize the needs of those who live and operate there most. Making communication efficient and comfortable for all is also top billing. Respecting insiders and seeking their input can be a very corrective experience that affirms their voices are heard, their feelings matter, and they’re allowed to have wants and needs.
   
   
   

3. Where does one even begin? What can an inner world contain?

   This is the fun part! Whether starting from scratch or updating a space that developed organically as a kid, the good news is: most internal worlds can contain truly anything, with a little work. So, consider not just pragmatic needs but your biggest dreams, too. Then customize accordingly!

   Do we need a purely fun, childlike wonderland to make up for never knowing such a thing? Or, to be straightforward, all business, to maintain organization and calm? Might a small home, dorm, or campsite suffice to house a handful, or will a whole city block better account for everyone? Do we want to be close together or in entirely different climates/worlds - accessible only by plane, train, or auto...email? Perhaps some combination of the above?
   
   
   

4. Preparation and anticipating likely trouble spots can ease the process.

   It’s okay to spend extra time on the planning stages - especially around safety and relational tensions - so you don’t have to hurriedly negotiate a bunch of changes later.

   What efforts may be necessary to keep adversarial parts apart and more vulnerable alters safe and protected? Would Anger Rooms or Quiet/Sensory Rooms be useful? If so, what mechanisms can be installed so no sharp or broken pieces are within reach after breaking? Do we need forcefields or invisibility capes around any alters’ rooms or belongings to prevent their destruction by others? Is there guaranteed emergency access (e.g., roads, trails, keys to doors/fences, etc) to everyone in the event they get lost in symptoms, have urgent safety concerns, etc?

   Most importantly, communication methods...
   
   
   

5. Communication is everything! Making it a built-in feature instead of an afterthought can benefit you for years.

   Not only do we want parts able to connect internally with ease but also be able to quickly exchange messages with whomever is up front. A little creativity can set you up for life!

   Potential options: intercom systems, cell phones, or landlines in each room; inner world versions of email, texting, or group chats; message pads, dry-erase boards, or dropboxes kept in common areas for note exchange; or, for parts hardest to reach, carrier pigeons, snail mail, sky-writers, blimps, marquis, etc! Rules around ringers, notifications, and time availability are wise to install early.
   
   
   

6. Seeking inspiration together can boost internal communication and get imaginations running wild!

   Invite parts to join you as you browse creative materials.
   Websites like deviantArt, Pinterest, and flickr hold a wealth of non-traditional living spaces – fantasy, high-tech, medieval, otherworldly, you name it. Home and garden, architecture, and landscaping magazines (that local doctors/dentists/salons can be eager to offload) often have noth practical and aspirational ideas. Googling for kid/teen bedrooms, treehouses, or tiny homes specifically can help young (or more ‘sheltered’) parts imagine their options - especially if their limited exposure to the world is making that tough.

   Save your faves and pull out anything you “just feel called to”. It may be someone’s quiet attempt to let you know they’re there.
   
   
   

7. Throw realism out the window! You don’t have to worry about money, space, or even gravity.

   Internal world rules don’t have to respect the laws of physics, reality, or social norms.
   Want to change your wallpaper or bedspread daily? Cool! Want to teleport, ride on clouds, or send notes via pink sparkly orb? Make it happen! Want a floorplan that could never have functional plumbing in the real world? No prob. Who was keeping track anyway? Want a constant view of Jupiter, eco-friendly private jet at your fingertips, or the most teched-out teen bedroom within a realistic medieval castle? Rad, why not?!

   While not every dream or reality-bending ask will be doable - or make sense for every system - it never hurts to consider or try them out. You can always switch things back!
   
   
   

8. SAFETY IS PRIORITY ONE. Objects or areas that are unsafe should be excluded entirely or have strict rules attached to protect everyone.

   While we recognize many safety rules do get broken, and internal destruction may still take place, making a collective effort to try ensuring all parts’ safety is an important precedent to set. Without providing an example list of common ‘wants’ (lest we accidentally give ideas), be prepared to set firm boundaries around any unsafe items, imagery, or places that may be suggested (or even successfully “snuck in”).
   
   
   

9. Don’t forget to consider things you DON’T want to be in the internal space.

   As you’re gathering inside feedback, be sure to ask parts what they DON’T want, too. Consider what rules or guidelines each alter may wish to request NOT be allowed inside. This is mainly reserved for triggers and safety concerns. Examples may include: No mirrors, no [phobia item], no masks, no weapons (even decorative), no specific kids’ toy or game, no smoking or alcohol, no scales, no fire, no specific color/animal/flower/sports or team memorabilia/perfume/song, etc.

   While some requests may be untenable (e.g., no food, no beds, etc), sharing still provides an opportunity to learn about each other and strategize ways around any things causing distress.
   
   
   

10. Don’t forget to include joyful, “just because” items!

    While we can’t forget the essentials and need to prioritize daily functioning over form, it’s okay to have things you simply want. You are allowed to have nice things. ...whether to fulfill childhood dreams or those of very tired grown-ups.

    Pets, pools, pianos; art supplies, twinkle lights, and video games; dance studios, ferris wheels, tree houses; rope swings, sports stadiums, or the dreamiest library you’ve ever seen! A lil whimsy can restore a world of withered hope.
    
    
    

11. You’re allowed to have FUN. It’s okay to enjoy this process! It doesn’t make you ‘fake,’ unserious, or any other shaming adjective.

    Yes, this is a serious endeavor overall.
    It involves a condition and parts of a system with complex, sensitive needs - most due to grave trauma. None of that becomes untrue by enjoying the creative fruits of your brilliant mind.

    There are so few joys in trauma/system work, why not let this be one of them? Give Little You the freedom they always deserved, and Current You some long overdue rest and reprieve.
    
    
    

12. But, how?! How do we actually create the space? Do I just picture it? How do I get there?

    This can be the toughest part for some folks, while barely a question for others. However you experience this stage, you are NOT alone!
    For some, it’s similar to developing Safe Place imagery, just using deeper concentration, the active involvement of as many system members as possible, and prioritizing permanence (versus a temporary retreat). Some make visual aids (drawings, collages, maps, floorplans), or write detailed descriptions followed by a slow, hyper-detailed, multi-sensory walkthrough with parts. They may visualize each item in its place, building and rebuilding the area until it’s just right.

    Many install a mental “entry point” to access the inner world (e.g., a large vault door, elevator, teleportation tube, gated fence, etc) – calling it to mind first, then transitioning inside. Others like to create a “green room” or sitting area just ‘behind the eyes’ that parts can either chill in before fronting, use to simply observe “real life,” or return to after being up front (to make the transition less abrupt or painful).
    
    
    

13. I’m stuck. I have barely any internal communication and don’t know what I’m doing.

    If you’re new to this work, or your system’s just not very vocal, worry not! Options exist and we can simplify!

    • Ultra-straightforward: Make a list in your journal labeled “Internal World.” Add a “Want” and “Don’t Want” column and invite parts to fill it in (even anonymously). Check back in a few days. Practice with a simple meeting room in the meantime.

    • Supply the options: List some possibilities, from basic to complex, and ask parts to circle their faves in different colors (ex. meeting room, house, city, beach town, castle, planets). Then, based on those answers, repeat with new lists and options (colors, climates, room order, tech, etc). After getting regular input this way, parts may be more willing to start leaving longer notes or details.

    • If no one’s responding to your journal inquiries: Head to a quiet place to address the whole mind: “To anyone who can hear me or is interested, I’d like to develop our internal space.” Then, invite them into this activity, encouraging them to signal or guide your attention to anything that speaks to them. Flip through magazines, photos online, art sites, etc, and anything you just feel drawn to - even if you have no idea why, who wants it, or even if you personally hate it - pull it out and sit it aside.
      
      You’ll likely find themes begin to emerge (consistent building types, items, vibes, etc). From as simple as pulling out every chocolate chip cookie, puppy in an ad, or vase of purple flowers, to more specific room styles, furniture, beaches, wooded areas, or cars. Eventually, you’ll likely start to sense who’s urging for that. You can try asking follow-up questions or start putting things together while intently listening for any murmur or tug from inside that says yes or no.
      
      If ya just can’t agree on a similar continent or universe even, you can propose living in truly separate worlds – so long as there’s an easily-accessible meeting room, intercom or other communication system between those worlds.

**Post note: To our survivors of organized abuse and/or those who’ve had their internal worlds made for them - we encourage you to tread lightly when trying to change the internal world. Go slowly and ask for internal input before making moves, as some modifications can have unintended consequences. There are ways to work through this, and we hope you have a supportive clinician to help you navigate this safely. Some systems will be able to modify most anything without issue, while others experience friction at every step. If this message doesn’t apply or makes no sense to you, don’t worry! Just skip it and move along :)

---

Remember: There is no one way, no “correct,” and no perfect way to have an internal world. It can be a project always in flux. Every system is unique and has their own set of explicit needs, abilities, and ways of functioning. Some will find their internal landscape feels more ‘fixed’ or ‘unmovable’, while others can change it at will. Some may struggle with it being regularly destroyed while others just might be unable to have one altogether (be it from disinterest, not finding it helpful, or it just not “sticking”). There is no one way to have a dissociative mind.

Troubleshooting with other systems may be extremely beneficial, but try not to compare too much. Every mind is unique and should aim for what’s most helpful to their survival, internal harmony, and happiness. What is something you wish you'd known or implemented sooner when it comes to internal worlds?

MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Flashbacks 101: 4 Tools to Cope with Flashbacks
✧ Self-Care 101: 101 Self-Care Tools
✧  Distraction 101: 101 Distraction Tools
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
✧ Color Breathing 101: How to Calm Overwhelming Emotions and Physical Pain
  ✧  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  Modulation 101: Using Dials to Modulate Intrusive Mental Health Symptoms
  ✧  DID Myths: Dispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder
 ✧  Managing Unmanaged Dissociation: 15-minute Checksheets
 
  ❖  Article Index  ❖

 
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Managing Unmanaged Dissociation: 15-minute Checksheet

Regaining Control of Unmanaged Dissociation

Dissociation is a beautiful, intelligent, and highly adaptive skill. It makes everything from the painfully mundane to the horrifically traumatic more survivable. It also gives us the gift of diluting physical pain, holding back overwhelming emotions, compartmentalizing daily stressors and difficult memories, and zooming out to gain different perspectives. When dissociation is unmanaged, however, its consequences can range anywhere from frustrating to life-limiting, scary, or even dangerous. Some of those experiences can include:

• frequently losing minutes to hours of the day – possibly stuck in flashbacks, performing self-destructive or compulsive behaviors, zoned out, or doing other atypical actions,

• unwanted switching between alters in a DID/OSDD system – possibly having no way to be filled in on what was missed later and/or switch back,

• missing important events/meetings/moments due to not being oriented to the correct year, month, or day,

• rapid-cycle switching between multiple parts of a DID/OSDD system (having no control over who is forward),

• extended spells of non-responsive zoning out, becoming “locked in,” or even appearing ‘catatonic,’ for potentially hours,

• unknowingly engaging in self-harmful or unlawful behaviors, without recollection or ability to regain control over the mind/body,

• becoming so disoriented from the current time/place they’re unable to find their way home, to work, or another important location – potentially so unaware of the present year, they don’t know about GPS, smartphones to call for help, or who in their life today they should even call for help,

• living life so detached - or “on autopilot” - for long enough that derealization leads to significant existential panic/paranoia (e.g. fears of truly not being real, alive, or having ever been in control of their body/life/etc, etc),

• uncontrolled switches to child alters in public or behind the wheel, with no way to negotiate a switch back to a safe, more mature part,

• having chronic, unexplained moments of not being present whilst driving, cooking, showering, out in public, or other very dangerous situations,

• or many other disabling experiences.

For all these reasons and more, employing every last option to regain control over one’s symptoms may become a welcome solution. If learning about, and diligently using, your very best grounding tools isn’t enough, you’ve done journaling and internal communication with parts, tried modulation and containment skills for intrusive symptoms, and even asked for external supports to help keep you present, it may be time to turn to a higher-level intervention. Welcome in a 15-minute checksheet! You can download it here (to print or fill in on your devices).

What is a 15-minute checksheet?

Conveniently, it’s exactly as it sounds! It’s a daily tracking sheet for folks to check-in every 15 minutes - jotting down just a few pieces of information like, where are ya, who are ya (DID/OSDD specifically), how grounded are you, what are you feeling, and what are you up to. While 15 minutes may sound incredibly intimidating, or even unreasonable, keeping track of things in this much detail can provide vital information that we just can’t get when unmanaged dissociation is stealing this much of our memory, sense of self-awareness, cognitive power, and our best problem-solving abilities.

This tool encourages us to pause, briefly connect with our internal experience, and jot it down somewhere for safe-keeping until we’re ready to look at it in the bigger picture. It takes the required brainpower out of it and helps us spot trends and patterns in the areas we’re getting hung up - ones we never could have noticed on our own. …at least, not when our dissociation’s this bad. Answering questions like:

Is there a certain activity I’m doing that keeps setting off this dissociation?
An emotion I’m feeling that’s prompting these huge gaps on the page every time?
Is there someone in my life who’s making me get extra spacey or begin rapidly switching?
An actual location or room in my house that’s fueling the fire?
Does it only happen at my job, at a certain relative’s house, or once I’m in my car?
Is it only in the mornings, right before bedtime, or some other oddly specific time?
Is my sheet completely blank from the time I make dinner onward? …why is that?
Do I only start seeing my grounding numbers tank after taking this one medication? Is it sedating me and/or do I need to talk to my doctor about it?
Do we have huge holes in the sheet right after one particular alter comes out? How can we work on that with them together?
…and so much more.

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now comes the biggest question: EVERY 15 MINUTES, really?!

Yes, we really do want to encourage you to set a little alarm and at least try doing so for as long as you can stand it. As this is often an intervention for folks teetering on the edge of needing a Higher Level of Care (e.g. Intensive Outpatient, Partial Hospitalization, or Inpatient Care), the minute frequency is quite high. But, whether you utilize this tool in those 15-minute increments or spread it out to meet a less critical need, there is no shortage of valuable information to be gathered from a tool like this. Customization is key!

There are, however, some places folks can get a bit tripped up, so we wanted to include a section just for you! We also made sure to keep it with the downloadable PDF version (which also has a detailed List of Emotions, as that’s something many survivors of complex trauma can struggle with). This way you’ll always have it with you. No need to return or remember this page link! We know this is a tough time and you don’t need any added barriers.

Here are things that may help you along the way:

• Blanks are okay - good even!
  You aren’t expected to make every check-in time. If you could do that already, you wouldn’t be doing this sheet :) And, gaps give us information. That information will help us develop more effective solutions to combat your symptoms. Do your best to fill as many as you can, but consider a sheet with chunks missing a success!

• No back-filling.
  It may be tempting to go back and fill in time slots you can reasonably recall. Try not to do this. Forgetting to jot things down still lets us know you weren’t 100% grounded or in a clear enough mind to remember to do the task (i.e. increase in ADHD symptoms, etc.). That’s more information for us! Unless you physically couldn’t write it down at the time (e.g. driving, doing a work task, making dinner, showering, etc), try not to backfill. If you do think it would be helpful to still have the other info, just notate somewhere (*) that these are retroactive answers. That will tell us a bit more about the quality of those assessments, in addition to your degree of present-ness at that time.

• Don’t panic, this task won’t last forever!
  Just a handful of days is often enough to gather a lot of helpful information. If you can simply commit to giving your best effort those few days, you’ll do yourself a huge solid and be that much closer to getting your life back!

• Set yourself some timers if you need.
  Nothing wrong with using all tools available to you to keep you on-task! Timers can also be easier than alarms since you can simply hit reset for a new 15-minute interval instead of having to create new clock times every quarter. If you’re getting startled or sensorily overwhelmed by all the timers, try a simple vibration alert instead.

• Call on parts inside to help!
  Still struggling to remember? If you have parts inside, try assigning someone inside the job of watching the clock and reminding you when it’s time to check in. Parts like to feel important and valued; this can be a unifying experience and a good exercise in team building/bonding for systems.

• Too overwhelmed or wanting to give up?
  If every 15 minutes really is just too much, try spacing it out to every half-hour. Or, conversely, start by checking in each hour, then tomorrow every 30 minutes, and the next day every 15. We’re just in search of helpful information, not aiming to flood, frustrate, or panic you. Some info is always better than none at all!

• Still too overwhelming?
  Pick a chunk of hours in the day that you tend to lose the most time or struggle with other symptoms most prominently. Extend an hour in either direction and commit to just checking in as much as you can during that timeframe.

• Making it to every check-in?
  Awesome! You’re doing so well with your grounding that you can now try spacing things out a good bit. Let’s see if things continue to hold without as much structure. If you start noticing more gaps without these consistent check-ins, we can re-evaluate and see if returning to 15 minutes would be beneficial. Or, you may discover that these are positive gaps due to living an active, grounded, well-lived life!

final thoughts

There is so much we can glean from such a meticulous tracking tool—even if your dissociation isn’t terribly unmanaged. Simply noticing and correctly labeling our emotions, observing patterns and catching where we’re spending too much of our time, discovering relationships or activities that may be harder on our health than we realized, becoming aware of or establishing communication with new parts inside, or even finding out that you’re more in control of your life than you realized — these all have tremendous benefits! And, you deserve to reap them. You deserve to live a life with full authority, agency, and confidence. May you reclaim exactly that if it’d been lost, or even better, unearth it for the very first time!

If, at any point throughout this exercise, you do discover yourself feeling particularly ungrounded, emotionally dysregulated, or more broadly overwhelmed, we encourage you to bookmark some of these pages for supportive symptom management: Grounding 101, Modulation 101, Color Breathing, and/or Self-Care 101. There, you’ll find hundreds (literally) of techniques to help you re-stabilize. Additional symptom management resources are listed at the bottom of this article!

We will be thinking of you and are here to answer any of your questions. As a reminder, you can download this fillable PDF to print or use on your devices. For therapists, you are welcome to offer this to your clients in either form. Healing tools should be for everyone.

MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Flashbacks 101: 4 Tools to Cope with Flashbacks
✧ Self-Care 101: 101 Self-Care Tools
✧  Distraction 101: 101 Distraction Tools
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
✧ Color Breathing 101: How to Calm Overwhelming Emotions and Physical Pain
  ✧  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  Modulation 101: Using Dials to Modulate Intrusive Mental Health Symptoms
  ✧  DID Myths: Dispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder
 
  ❖  Article Index  ❖

 
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The BASK Model of Trauma Memory

In previous articles, we’ve talked a fair bit about flashbacks, particularly in the context of offering tools and strategies to manage them. We’ve also explored the more specific and unique phenomena of Emotional Flashbacks and Body Memories in social posts — all in the hopes of offering new ways to understand and work through them! What we haven’t done, though, is take a proper dive into the mechanism behind all flashbacks, solidifying the ways traumatic memory is stored differently in the mind than safe, mundane, unfractionated memory. To do this, we can look to something called The BASK Model of dissociation and memory.

When a traumatic event occurs, for many folks, strong dissociation steps in as a means of self-protection. It helps compartmentalize the experience, or cast some pieces of it far outside of conscious awareness where it cannot be reached. It would be too distressing to have it fresh on your mind, or even too easily-accessible, when you're trying to go to work or just make dinner. But, memories are made up of a vast, colorful array of mental, physical, emotional, and sensory experiences! Where do they all go if they’re pushed aside or separated from each other? And, what unintended consequences might that have? To begin understanding the answers to those questions, we can first simplify by considering each memory as made up of four main parts: Behavior, Affect, Sensory, and Knowledge (BASK).

Let’s break those down a little further!

• Behavior — What was the action in this memory? What did you physically do - or feel the overwhelming compulsion to do - with your body? Hide, flinch, run, attack, cower, freeze; scream, groan, go silent? Use substances, self-harm, or do some other self-destructive action (even unintentionally)? Isolate, call someone, seek help, go to a certain place, etc?

• Affect — What were your emotions in this moment - even those stifled or shut-off in the moment? Were you sad, afraid, angry, worried, oddly calm? Disgusted, helpless, ashamed, defeated, conflicted, intimidated? Enraged, suspicious, or even entirely numb or apathetic? Try to discern those from what you feel about the trauma today. It maybe difficult as many unsafe situations don’t allow us to freely feel our authentic emotional reactions.

• Sensory — Take in all the sensory details of a memory. hat were the sensations in your body? Were you smelling anything in particular? Hearing specific things? Keys, footsteps, loud bangs, painful silence, whispering, creaking in a floor or door, cars, extreme weather, music, etc? Did you have any tastes? External feelings against your skin? Now take stock of any physical body sensations at the time. Racing heart, physical pain, thirst, trouble breathing, chills, clenched jaw, dizziness, or numbness? Were you dizzy or feel off-balance/spinning, intoxicated, or exhaustion; did you have sweaty palms, nausea, muscle tension, an uptick in symptoms of a health condition, etc?

• Knowledge — What were you intellectually aware of at the moment (the who, what, when, where, how)? This is a combination of explicit memory - the trauma narrative, objective information, sequence of events, etc, as well as any cognitions/beliefs you held at the time - regardless of their accuracy/validity (i.e. “I’m trapped,” “No one is coming,” “This will never end,” “This is normal/everyone goes through this”). What did you believe was happening or think to yourself as this moment was occurring - even if you later learned you were incorrect? (For example, “I knew I was going to die,” despite learning the person was actually unarmed, a safety feature kicked in, a storm changed direction, etc. Or, “I thought we were playing a silly innocent game and had fun,” despite learning as a adult that the activity was dangerous, perverse, malintentioned, or not age appropriate.)

Having all this information unified in one massive ball or terror and trauma can just be too oppressive and inescapable. So, during the mind’s unconscious process of putting thick dissociative barriers around this extremely sensitive material, some of the pieces can scatter apart into far corners of the mind. They may all be fully detached from one another or paired up in unique, and sometimes perplexing, combinations.

When we push anything out of our awareness long enough - like when we stuff our feelings, pretend something or someone doesn’t exist entirely, or have to traumatically dissociate an event away entirely - it is very likely to be intrusively thrust upon us against our will later. ...and typically when we're most vulnerable, least expect it, or will be most inconvenienced. We know that a defining trait of PTSD, and one of its criterion for diagnosis, is "re-experiencing". This increases in frequency and intrusive strength the longer we go pushing distressing material away. There are important lessons and safety information in there that our minds can get scared are being forgotten or missed. So, it tries to show us; only now it has to do so in fragments.

When we look to the BASK Model, and some of the unusual pairings that traumatic information can get separated into, you can easily understand how having them suddenly surface and come alive in your body, without all the other important contextual clues, could be deeply disorienting. It is understandably confusing, but also sometimes quite scary, too. It’s also often easier to explain the experience away by a hundred other things. Health, work stress, a bad night’s rest, something we saw on TV, ‘coming down with something’ – you name it!

You can now understand how this can manifest in symptoms like Body Memories (S + sometimes B), Emotional Flashbacks (A), or the ability to recount your trauma to someone without a single emotion or attachment to it in the world (K without A, and sometimes no B or S, either). Conversely, you may have every single indicator of a deeply terrifying event - it’s erupting in your thoughts, your skin, your emotions - and you know a trauma has to be there by context clues alone, but you’ve got zero intellectual awareness of what it is or where it's coming from (B+A+S). These scenarios only magnify in complexity when they’re additionally scattered amongst parts of self in DID and OSDD systems.

The goal of traumatic processing is to find and link - or integrate - all these pieces to one another into one full, complete memory. Then, you can further integrate them into your self-concept, your narrative, the story of your life. If you're missing any vital pieces, not only are they still likely to continue revisiting intrusively, but you may be drawing incomplete or inaccurate conclusions about the very trauma itself or what it means in the broader context of your life. You may believe a certain person in your life is much safer or more helpful to you than they really are; that you "didn't even react" when you maybe did so in very powerful ways; that you're at fault, when you unequivocally were not; that what occurred never hurt or 'wasn't that bad', when it very much did and absolutely was; that you felt fine, content, or even enjoyment, when you really felt anger, disgust, or betrayal. So much room for misunderstanding and false belief about yourself and those around you. Discovering the truth may completely reshape how you see yourself and everything around you. There is so much to be gleaned from these pieces coming together, and you deserve to know them in full, even if they're painful and difficult.

You also deserve to have control over your mind - no longer at its mercy for when it might throw these things at you or further immobilized when your guard’s at its lowest. Until then, we hope the some of the tools we’ve offered elsewhere can help to mitigate some of their effects in the meantime (such as Flashbacks 101, Healing Pool/Light, Color Breathing, or Imagery with Dials, and others). We hope all these things combined can arm you with a different kind of strength and control over your symptoms.

Let's help you take that power back! It should have always been yours!

MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Distraction 101: 101 Distraction Tools
  ✧  Flashbacks 101: 4 Tools to Cope with Flashbacks
✧ Self-Care 101: 101 Self-Care Tools
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
✧ Color Breathing 101: How to Calm Overwhelming Emotions and Physical Pain
  ✧  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  DID Myths: Dispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder
  ✧  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  ✧  Trauma and Attachment: 3-Part Series on Attachment Theory with Jade Miller
 
  ❖  Article Index  ❖

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Dissociation and Survival vs. Living: A Survivor's Story

 

A CSA Survivor's Relationship with Dissociation, Survival and Living:

     
    "There are many things I wish I could help people understand about childhood trauma; this just happens to be one I hear very little about. Like many survivors, I struggle to hear sentiments like, "Oh my! I'm so so glad that's over now and you got through it!", "I can't believe you got out of that alive as a kid. I couldn't even do that now!" or "At least that’s in the past and you know you can conquer anything!". Even resources, groups, or clinicians for trauma survivors can share quips like "You survived the abuse, you're going to survive the recovery!". While these things intend to uplift or highlight our strength, they all categorically deny the fundamental mechanism that allowed us to survive in the first place, and why adulthood is the real hard part: dissociation.

    Make no mistake, those of us who endured trauma as children are courageously strong. We were forced to be tougher than most, and - by nature or necessity - we became resilient, creative, and sharp. But Little Me didn't even experience the bulk of the trauma back then. I wasn't connected to the physical pain or sheer terror. I wasn't incapacitated by shame, disgust, or uncleanliness. I wasn't aware of the immorality, nor was I having a crisis of conscience. I didn't even know who was hurting me for much of my childhood – parts of my mind did, but not me.

Little Me wasn't facing the anger or the blistering sting of betrayal knowing that those I loved most hurt me in such inhumane ways. I wasn't yet aware this was abnormal or something that could make me feel alien or 'different' from my peers. I was numb, hyperfocused on the things I could control, and was even made to feel special or self-confident in certain traumatic areas very early on. While some of that confidence dwindled over time and I became more aware of my unhappiness, insecurity, and "irrational" fears, none of that compares to what you might imagine a tortured child feels.

    That suffering is here now. Adulthood is when all of it breaks through and confronts you with a vengeance. No, the abuse is not "over", it is not "behind me", it is not "something I got through". As far as my mind and body are concerned, it is NOW. It is very alive and in full-effect. Each excruciating detail of physical pain, disgust, and revulsion. Every tidal wave of anger at those who knew and did nothing, those who saw my innocence as an opportunity, and those who failed me at my every attempt for help. Each immobilizing shockwave of new material that re-writes my entire life story from how I once knew it. It is all alive in my spine, my eyes, my heart, my mind. THIS is when my survival is tested.

I am hypervigilant, terrified, exhausted, unsure if I'm even real. I exist in hollowing spaces of grief for Little Me and the life I should have had. ...lost in an endless state of confusion, horror, disbelief, and dismay. It is all-consuming, all day, and all night. ...especially the night. THIS is active trauma in my brain and body. THIS is my battleground. I am fighting for my life NOW. As an adult, not as a child.

     Furthermore, the dissociative process not only contorts the timeline of when we experience our trauma, but it as an independent, daily symptom challenges life as an adult, too. ..even beyond the forgetfulness, memory gaps, driving troubles, safety, maintaining a job, etc.. Two of the most critical elements of trauma recovery are establishing healthy relationships and improving our overall worldview. It's very hard to want to carry on when all you've known is the absolute worst of mankind; being able to look around, connect, and believe the world is still Good is vital to our sanity, safety, and healing. But, once more, dissociation challenges this.

It can dull your senses, leave you numb to positive feelings, keep you at an emotional distance from love or affections shown to you. It can keep you trapped in a surreal, in-between state of both the past and present—where you respond to what's happening today with the same emotional maturity you had as a child. Emotional flashbacks, unexpected triggers, and other sudden symptoms that crop up - particularly in intimate relationships or the more meaningful aspects of life - can complicate joy and frustrate the people in your life. But, most of all, no one wants to just "be alive", we want to LIVE. Fully and authentically, with all the vibrance and richness available to us. And, dissociation has a way of diluting and blurring the world - stripping it of its color and beauty. How do you hold onto a light that you can barely see, feel, or trust is even there?

    Like most all means of sheer survival, dissociation has its pros and cons. Just like chemotherapy and emergency surgery, they can keep you alive, but there are risks. They are also unpleasant in the moment and - separate from the conditions that necessitate these interventions - they carry longterm consequences of their own. But, without them, you wouldn't be here—so it's a constant tug of war with perspective and gratitude. Dissociation is no different.

It got me through. It saved my life. It gave Little Me a fighting chance. But it also made life after abuse so. darn. difficult. Because, I should feel free. The abuse has ended, I am safe. I should be dancing and singing and holding everything I love dear to my chest. But instead, now is when I fight. Now is when I stare down my trauma, my innocence, my perpetrators - all with adult intellect and understanding - and try to decide if this life is worth living or if I'm up for the task.

    It is worth it. And, I am up for the fight. I'm going to do this and will do it with grace and strength. But then, and only then, can you say I survived the impossible or that 'it's over now'. This is the battle. ..and not for just survival, but for life. To make this existence meaningful now. I get the autonomy of choice today, not to just be along for the ride. I get to choose Life and choose Me each day. The fight is no longer to endure a day solely to see the next one, or go through the motions while feeling trapped here by obligation to those I love, but instead to fill each day with things of meaning and substance. Things I GET to do. Things I’m so grateful I was gifted the chance to do before my time comes.

    I get to discover texture and nuance, vibrance and stillness, range in opacity and brightness - all for the first time. I get to engage with the world like a child, but with it in my control and at my direction. There is so much to learn and discover - so much I've not tasted nor touched - and I get to let that excitement lead me. I can trust it. Grow from it. Share it with others. Because I know I am going to conquer this. The trauma, the feelings, the defeat, the difficult relationships, even the dissociation. I will remain appreciative of what dissociation made possible for me, and its beautifully gentle charms today, despite its thorns.

I want Young Me to get credit for surviving the horror. But I want Adult Me to get credit for not only feeling it all, but learning to LIVE, too.

 

 

MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Distraction 101: 101 Distraction Tools
  ✧  Flashbacks 101: 4 Tools to Cope with Flashbacks
✧ Self-Care 101: 101 Self-Care Tools
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
✧ Color Breathing 101: How to Calm Overwhelming Emotions and Physical Pain
  ✧  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  DID Myths: Dispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder
  ✧  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  ✧  Trauma and Attachment: 3-Part Series on Attachment Theory with Jade Miller
 
  ❖  Article Index  ❖

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