Why the name Beauty After Bruises?

  We have gotten a few questions and comments over the 2+ years since starting our mission, wondering: Why the name Beauty After Bruises?  It’s attention-getting no doubt, and full of symbolism, so each person who hears it walks away with their own interpretation of the words.  For many it’s even a little jarring, leaving them to immediately imagine the pain of those we seek to help.  It makes some strangers in passing uncomfortable even.  And when it comes to the survivors we help, it’s been mostly sincere appreciation, with the occasional mixed review that nearly always yields the most love in the end.  Those who are close to us feel that it empowers and lifts them up. But a small handful of survivors - mostly via social media - have mentioned it left them a little too uneasy.  For them, the word Bruises brought with it vivid images of abuse they just didn’t want to think about.  Luckily, in each case, inquiring about it gave us a chance to share our intent and they walked away feeling strengthened by it, no longer at war internally - and, for some, they left feeling braver and prouder each time they scrolled past the word Bruises, no longer blanching or feeling small.  That's a pretty dramatic leap.  And it was responses like those that really encouraged us to share this message today.  What could have turned them around so strongly?  And, why would we name our charity and our mission something that could everrr upset or make aaanyone uneasy EVER?  There is no short answer, only a long one.  But the quickest summary is that it is necessary and that it honors survivors in a way they might not have even realized they needed.   Let me explain…

  Abuse of any kind makes people uncomfortable.  Period.  It makes them shy away, hush their voices, and try to avoid any exposure to the topic at all — seeing it, hearing about it, talking about it, even remedying it.  Collectively, we all try to speak in more euphemistic terms or find literally ANY other word we can come up with when trying to discuss things like current events, social matters, or situations in our personal lives.  News articles containing the proper verbiage can make us recoil or even consciously decide to stop reading and move on to something else.  It suddenly feels too graphic.  …all because they didn’t use softer language to describe “the thing we knoooow they’re talking about." "Do they have to keep saying it?!”. 

  For survivors or those with panic disorders, avoiding these things is different because it can genuinely trigger terrible memories and panic; they need to protect themselves.  But as a society, we avoid anything that feels too harsh or too real.  But, this euphemistic, protective environment we create for ourselves while simply reading stories that are far-removed from us fosters the exact same kind of environment to be present when we see it in our real lives.  This “look away unless it’s palatable” mindset is what makes people turn away from someone with a black eye or marks on their body.  ...later convincing themselves they did so just because they were being polite, they didn't want to stare or offend, right?  We create safer reasons and stories in our minds for how a child we know may’ve gotten a curious injury or why they might look so disheveled each day, instead of going with our gut.  We even disbelieve those who open up and tell us that something really terrible happened to them, even when they have zero reason to lie.  “Maybe they just wanted some attention”, we consider.  If we can’t even hear or read the words surrounding abuse of those we don't even know just because they’re too harsh or “make us think unpleasant things”, how are we ever going to be able to listen, tolerate, really be there for, and believe(!!) a friend or loved one who comes to us saying they've been hurt?  You cannot look away or keep scrolling when it’s right in front of you!  And yet, it's the very reason so many quickly jump to minimizing, invalidating, questioning, defending, redirecting, trivializing, placating, shaming, lecturing (the list goes on!) whenever they ARE sitting across from it.  Anything to make it “not so intense” for themselves…regardless of how intense and inescapable it might be for the person going through it.  This HAS to change.

  The world has to get more comfortable with hearing hard words; and “bruises” really isn’t too harsh a word to sit with.  We could have gone the more common route, electing something flowery or that focuses solely on the “good, presentable parts” of being a survivor — like strength, fighter, perseverance, hope, healing and so forth.  But, to us, that feels like we’re doing the very thing our survivors have had to do their entire lives: cover up their wounds and make everything pretty so that other people can be more comfortable.  We want all survivors to know they can come to us as broken and “unpretty” as they may be, and know that we aren’t going to flinch or falter or be too horrified to pick them up and take them in.  And, when they’re ready, we will gladly help them find some light and beauty and hope again - in all of its raw and unexpected forms.  We won’t ever once ask them to hide or soften the broken pieces along the way - not for our comfort, let alone anyone else’s for that matter.  They are the ones hurting.  They never get to escape it. We can all tolerate being uncomfortable for just a few moments.  And by giving our charity a shiny or glitzy name, we'd be glossing over eeeeeverything they’ve been through - wrapping it all up in a pretty little basket with a big, fat insulting bow on top, calling the world’s attention to only the poised and Smiley Survivors™.  That’s what abusers want you to do.  And we’re saying NO.  You come to us with the scars on your heart and body and we won’t shudder or look away - nor will the community we’ve built here.  We aren’t afraid of the hard stuff - to hear it or see it, know that it exists or fight against it.  But we also want to help bring you to the beauty, to the peacefulness you seek and so deeply deserve.  It absolutely exists and we want to help you claim it.  However, it's a more vivid and authentic experience of beauty when you've truly nurtured and healed the wounds, instead of having spent your whole life working to paint over them.

  Beauty After Bruises is about reclaiming what is yours.  It’s about no longer hiding.  It’s owning your story without shame.   It’s about being vulnerable and learning to trust.  It’s about acknowledging that even though the bruises on your skin may have faded, the bruises on your heart still need to be handled with care.  Our name, and our mission, is about letting survivors take off their metaphorical sunglasses, makeup and long sleeves and stand securely in themselves, knowing they don’t have to hide anything.  It’s not their secret to conceal.  They did nothing wrong.  It’s also about getting the world on the same page.  Getting it more comfortable with the realities around them, so that they’re less likely to huddle their kids close and shuffle away whenever they see someone who might need help.  Making it so that when a survivor comes to their best friend, telling them something terrible just happened, their friend isn’t so overwhelmed and trying to just “click away” that they end up searching for a million reasons it might have been the survivor's fault, wasn’t really that bad, or that maybe even the perpetrator “didn’t really mean to”.  We need to keep creating a world where our visceral reactions to the harsh realities around us stop sending the message to traumatized survivors that what they’ve been through is “too much”, “too dirty” or “too unspeakable”.  We want survivors to know they can speak and be heard.  Share and be believed.  Trust and have it honored.  Be vulnerable and experience healing.  Heal and find beauty.

We genuinely and truly believe there is beauty after bruises.  We’ve seen it.  And we want to help you experience that.  All of you.

---

QoTD: For our survivors, supporters, and passersby, what do you think and feel when you hear "Beauty After Bruises"?  What does it mean to you?  What do you feel?  What things to you see in your mind or notice in your chest?  Let us know and share with others in the comments! :)

Surviving the Holidays with C-PTSD / DID

   
The holiday season is stressful for everyone. But for many with Complex PTSD and dissociative disorders, it can be the absolute worst time of year. While there are often bright spots, the unique struggles that trauma survivors can face as the year comes to a close too often overshadow them. Whether out and about, or gathering with family, the holidays are such a loud, busy and overstimulating time — or in other words, a nightmare for anyone with a posttraumatic condition. But, there are also so many hidden things that survivors struggle with that many may not even realize - even to survivors with different histories from each other. Many of you will have to face immediate or extended family that were the source of your trauma. Others will gather around unsupportive or toxic family/friends who don't value your mental health or personal wellbeing. And, for many survivors, the holidays are actual anniversaries of past trauma or violence. This time of year is also an unforgiving battleground to the many who struggle with food, disordered eating, and/or addictions. To add insult to injury, an upsetting number of trauma survivors are grappling with chronic physical health issues, too - most of which came as a result of their trauma, whether they realize that relationship or not. They're going to be in pain, sick, or exhausted – wanting to engage, but unable. The list goes on, and we know just how hard many of you will be fighting to stay above water. We want to help however we can.

Because you will all have very different holiday plans, trauma histories, and triggers across varying degrees of safety or stages in recovery - when it comes to managing your symptoms - there can be no one-size-fits all guide to get through. And, if you’re up against still-toxic or abusive family, most things become a gamble as to if they’ll help or harm. Because of that, we added a separate post to address those unique concerns, too. There are, however, some things that are universal and remain true for most everyone. So! Here are some suggestions for getting through the holiday season safely - with your sanity intact and knowing someone has your back. Take what applies to you, leave the rest, and please feel free to share some of your suggestions below. Keep extending that support to our community of survivors!

 

Our list to get through the holidays:

❄︎ Stay grounded.  Remaining grounded is your first and strongest line of defense to any of the things you'll face during the holidays. If you aren't grounded, none of your coping skills will be as effective. Keep textured items in your pocket, bag and/or car. Carry a notecard on you or in your phone that can remind you of the date, that you're safe and an adult now, as well as any other orienting details that are important to you. Keep your feet on the floor whenever you can. Try to refrain from staring off or zoning out when things get too dull (or too heated). Keep your phone on you to play music or engage in interactive apps whenever you feel yourself drifting. Look around the room - take note of all the pretty things that catch your eye as you look about. Talk or engage with someone if you can; vocalize in some way when you're alone. Step out and wash your hands or face in cool water. Go outside for a bit to reinvigorate yourself with fresh air or cold temperatures.  Anything you can to stay present in the here and now!  (We also have 101 Grounding Techniques right here for ya if you need ideas or just want to have it on hand in case you can’t remember your own later!)

❄︎ Remember: You have a voice. This is your life, your safety, your sanity. You matter. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself, to say no, to change your mind and to make choices that honor you.  If you don't want to visit with someone, or know that seeing them will trigger or stress you too greatly, you do not have to go. You can speak those needs and set those boundaries. We understand that for some of you - particularly those who live with or are asked to see unsafe people, or those who may retaliate or hold that choice over your head - saying no would actually put you in danger. We understand there are times it is a necessity and do not want to encourage you to put yourself in harm's way. But, for those of you whom it just feels scary, or you know it’d make you feel guilty, ashamed or upset - ask yourself if those temporary feelings are more important than the endless, unpredictable amounts of distress that spending time with those people would cause you. Use your voice. Set boundaries. You are an adult and are allowed to say no now and have it be respected.

❄︎ Plan ahead.  One of the best strategies for not only preventing an utter disaster but even getting to enjoy yourself, is to plan ahead in the most detailed way possible. List what kinds of things you're going to do for yourself before the important moments, to ensure you’re prepared to go into any stressful environment much less vulnerable, feeling steady and even confident. Describe the things you're going to do during the event to make sure you'll be staying grounded, level and calm. Then, be incredibly specific about what you're going to do after to decompress and unwind, being certain to add what you'll do for self-care. This is called a "Before/During/After Plan" or a BDA. You can make one for every significant challenge or phase of the holiday season: phone calls and planning stages, declining an invite, food prep, the gathering, specific traditions you know may be emotional, etc.

❄︎ Don't forget the basics.  It sounds painfully simple, but it's so easy to forget. Take your medications. Eat well. Stay hydrated. Force yourself to rest your body and mind even if you cannot sleep. Don’t neglect your physical health. These things are as much your foundation as being grounded is. Forgetting any of these basic needs can make you more vulnerable to symptoms, which can lead to a full unravelling later.  

❄︎ Internal communication.  Those of you who have internal parts (DID/OSDD) will need to make sure you're doing a lot of internal communication — but self-talk and tending to the really young or past versions of yourself can be helpful and important for all survivors. Acknowledge with one another the difficult, painful, scary, or triggering things that you know you’ll be facing. Validate those feelings and fears with each other. Then, together, plan how you want to work as an efficient unit, arranging yourselves and customizing individual jobs to best tackle each event on your calendar. Also, discuss what you might do to honor one another, maybe consider sharing gifts if that feels right (even if those gifts are as simple as letting a part watch a movie at home or color a picture - it doesn't have to be a material present :) ). Acknowledging and validating what is so painful about these holidays also leaves you less likely to be blindsided by traumatic material mid-holiday celebration. If someone inside encounters a trigger they didn’t see coming, it’s so much harder to access their tools suddenly, recover quickly, and regroup.

❄︎ Incentivize.  Unfortunately, many complex trauma survivors also struggle with self-harm, addiction, and/or other self-destructive behaviors. Many more are wrestling devastating depression, OCD, eating disorders, bipolar, and/or other mental illnesses in addition to their trauma. Get yourself a gift or other incentive, one you aren’t allowed to have until January 2nd (or after each individual holiday or milestone). If you get through the whole holiday season self-harm free or are able to accomplish things you felt too depressed or too afraid to do, your gift is waiting there for you and will congratulate you for crushing that goal!

❄︎ Let yourself grieve.  It seems counterintuitive to lead yourself into painful emotions, but it makes them far less likely to bubble up just as you're getting comfortable or having a good time. Let yourself be sad. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself mourn lost holidays or entire childhoods of happy memories. Allow yourself to be upset by all that your traumatic experiences robbed from you or made more difficult than it ever needed to be. Take a moment to be angry about neglectful and/or dismissive family/friends who won't support you the way you deserve to be supported. Once you've given yourself a moment to feel these feelings, your mind will feel freer to let go and enjoy the holidays - less determined to remind you how it’s been really, really hurt by everything associated with them, afraid you’ll forget it still needs healing.

❄︎ Take time for you.  You don't have to be "on" from Thanksgiving to January. You don't have to be "on" morning to night on any holiday either. Take breaks. Leave the room. Take a walk outside. Sit in peace in a bedroom or unoccupied room for a moment. Those 15 minute breathers will do you and your nervous system wonders before returning to the festivities - even if you don’t think you need one yet. If you’re having trouble thinking of things you can do for yourself to recharge, feel like you again, or to self-soothe - be it in tiny doses or in larger-effort, longer-lasting ways - our article on Self-Care has over 101 ideas to help.

❄︎ Support system.  If you have friends or family that support you healthily, connect with them. Make it a point to fill them in on what's going on and all that’s worrying you. Plan to connect with them even if for just 5 or 10 minutes before/after holiday gatherings. We know that many therapists aren't available during holiday weeks, and even we are a bit harder to reach at times, so touching base with friends and family that you know have your back can help you feel less stranded or as if you've been abandoned in your weakest moments.

❄︎ Breathe.  Again, it sounds so simple, but you'll be amazed by how often the times you're feeling completely overwhelmed, you’re actually holding your breath. Take several deep, cleansing breaths each time you feel your tension meter rising. You can also try color-breathing.

❄︎ Limit alcohol/substances.  The holidays don't make this super easy for those who like to partake, but any level of intoxication can make traumatic material just a trigger away from flooding you. ...and leaves you quite defenseless against it, too. Try to be extra responsible during the rough moments - even if your whole body’s zinging or feels like you're going to burst. Going for another drink to drown it out or feel calmer actually increases your vulnerability for it all to come crashing down — both inside your mind and possibly in your behavior. For those of you who struggle with moderating your alcohol consumption or need to steer clear entirely, try recruiting a trusted loved one to help keep you accountable and feel less isolated amidst the temptation.

❄︎ Remember: You do not have to stay.  Just like before, your needs matter. You are not obligated to do anything you don't want to, or to do it for longer than you desire. You do not have to feel guilty. You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you are leaving, where you're going, or why you want to go ‘so soon’. Catastrophe doesn’t have to strike to start feeling like you have permission to consider it; you can leave solely because you feel like it. You are being a proactive bamf by taking care of you and heading out before it even feels unsteady. If you don't think you can count on your voice to be strong enough in the moment, make plans to see someone immediately after a gathering and make that known ahead of time that you can’t stay long. Don't have anyone free to do that with or are traveling? There are even apps that can help you get out of a situation you don't want to be in. :) Even if you have to get clever about it, you are still allowed to go when you've had enough. Period.

❄︎ Physical safety. If you MUST visit (or already live with) unsafe people and things escalate - but you don’t feel you can leave the room, step outside, or leave entirely - if things are about to erupt into violence, apps like SafeTrek exist that will bring the police to your location without you ever making or answering a call. (This app is valuable for many other scenarios and great for trauma survivors broadly, even if it’s only used to soothe in perceived-versus-actual unsafety. It, and others, are available for iOS and Android.) There are also emergency features on both Apple and Android phones; research them. You may be able to send an SOS to a trusted friend that includes your location and 5 seconds of video/audio if desired. You can also dial 911 yourself if you feel you can and just leave it open for an operator to listen to the chaos. Many are familiar with this practice, and they may be willing to send a wellness check.
If you don’t feel either of those are safe options, or that a visit from police would make things less safe for you, take some time now to brainstorm what WOULD feel safe to you. Can you make a plan with a friend to have them call you if you text a certain word? To interrupt the chaos? To force the violent parties to hush because someone on the phone might hear them, or because you had to get up and go to another room to take it? Do you have an ally in the family/friend group who could help you? What feels right to you? If your answer is “Just take it” (the abuse), I urge you to reconsider. You are important. You are valuable. You are worthy of basic needs: safety. You do not need to accept this or endure this any longer.  You have a voice and you have a brilliant mind that can find something else. Anything else.

❄︎ Conquering loneliness.  Many of these tips revolve around gatherings with others. But, for some of you, much of the holiday season is actually spent alone (either by choice or circumstance). Since loneliness can breed all sorts of darkness in the mind, plan your own holiday time for you. Make the day a day to treat yourself like you never do. Watch movies, take a bath, paint your nails, turn your music up, watch new shows on Netflix, read a book, make yourself an elaborate meal, celebrate yourself and how far you’ve come. Go ahead and make everyone slummin’ it with the fam jealous that you were at home having the time of your life in your PJs, coloring an adult coloring book, having Christmas cookies and tea. ;) But, in all seriousness, if you really feel like that’s just going to be too hard even if you make it a fun day for you - much like those spending time with others - make a plan for the day. Outline it. What will you do before the day begins to make sure you're at your strongest? What are you going to do during to keep yourself steady? And what will you do after to decompress and take care of yourself? Make sure your plan has TONS of self-care and self-treating in it. You deserve it!

❄︎ Be kind to yourself.  The holidays are hard. For everyone. Yes, even those who seem to have it all together. It is never going to be perfect. You're likely going to make mistakes, have bad days, be a little short with someone you love, or have a day where you aren't the most patient. You may stumble, or even completely fall apart. While we hope that doesn't happen, but it's okay if it does. Life is a process, and every year is different. None of us get it right every time, or even most of the time. The best and only thing to do after something goes wrong is to practice some self-kindness. Cut yourself some slack and remind yourself that now, if any a time, is the time you need comfort the most...especially from yourself. Be gentle. If you wouldn't tell one of your friends they were stupid or bad for making the exact same mistake, then you aren't either. Breathe. It's safe. You are going to be okay.

And we are here.  So, you're going to be more than okay :)  

We are sending you the warmest of wishes along with an abundance of care and compassion — from all of us here at Beauty After Bruises. You are always in our hearts and we'll be thinking of you tons this holiday season.

For those of you with extra difficult families,
don't forget to check out our follow-up article on
Coping with Toxic/Abusive Families
During the Holidays!

MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Distraction 101: 101 Distraction Tools
  ✧  Self-Care 101: 101 Self-Care Techniques
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
✧ Color Breathing 101: How to Calm Overwhelming Emotions and Physical Pain
  ✧  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  DID Myths: Dispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder
  ✧  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  ✧  Trauma and Attachment: 3-Part Series on Attachment Theory with Jade Miller
 
  ❖  Article Index  ❖

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You Are - And Were - Innocent

Bringing you a post here today from instagram because it's important. 

  Far, far too often, when trauma survivors try to tell someone what happened to them, what they hear in response can range from: being flat out denied, their story manipulated or twisted around to a completely different version of events; having their integrity questioned, their feelings invalidated; being victim-blamed, shamed, badgered for more details, one-upped by someone else's trauma, unacknowledged entirely -- a laundry list of awful, painful responses. If the survivor tried to tell someone when they were a child, while it was still happening, any of these responses can shut them down for the rest of their lives. ..even rewrite how they ever view their trauma and pain. This is true at any stage of life, really. Despite this, too often these are the awful things survivors hear after baring their most vulnerable self to someone.

  But writing.. Writing gives you an outlet to state your truth. To be clear about what YOU KNOW happened. To define your reality, no one else's. To speak strongly about what you know is real, and serious, and important, and valid, and worthy of someone's attention and compassion. You can own your feelings and validate them to yourself as well as the hurt pieces of your heart and mind. You also have the freedom to be angry and bitter and jealous. In writing, it's SAFE to be honest about the unfairness you feel. To admit you feel robbed. To speak against those who betrayed, ignored, or invalidated you. You KNOW what is true. And when you can be fervent in that, you can start to build yourself up to know your story is important. Your pain is important. Your growth and healing are important.

  Most of all? Getting a chance to be clear about what took place, without anyone else questioning, manipulating or blaming you - you get a chance at objectivity. To see this was in no way EVER your fault. You were a child, they were the adult. Even if a child ASKS to be hurt, it is ALWAYS the adult's responsibility to say no. You are, and you were, innocent. Period.

  We are with you.

💜💛💜

BAB The Blog: Introduction

Hey there survivors, supporters, surfers of the internets. This is the first post for the Beauty After Bruises blog. Here we hope to talk to you more informally and share our thoughts, ideas, and so much more. Our hope is to build an archive full of useful information to you as well as a wealth of support and a stronger community.  We plan to bring you posts on things like grounding and other symptom management techniques, how to find a therapist, defining some lingo in this C-PTSD world, strategies for getting through certain holidays and anniversaries, the process of accepting that you're a trauma survivor, ways loved ones can support you, signs of abuse, boundaries, the importance of and examples of self care, and just so so much more! We will likely have a few various writers here and there from the Beauty After Bruises team, but it will likely be predominantly led by the same person. We hope you'll support us in this endeavor, but far more than that - as a servant to you - we hope our content will be of great value to you and that you will feel our support and love through it.

- N.